It was a hot day midway through July. I walked the stairs picturing all the things that might happen in the course of the next few minutes. i slowly walked up to the door and opened it.
She was standing there in deep thought it seems, remembering if she forgot anything, if that makes any sense to you.
"Are you missing anything?" I asked her.
"I don't think so." She replied.
"It doesn't matter, i can always drop something off or inter-office something to you if need be." I said easing her mind a bit. Since we worked for the same company but different offices.
In a real awkward silence our eyes met. Both not knowing really what to say. I wanted to gush how much I love her and that my life would end without seeing her everyday. But I held it all back, swallowed it and let it burn deep in my gut.
"I guess this is it" she said breaking into the tense silence.
I nodded my head. I could feel myself starting to lose it. My eyes started to well up and I had to take a few deep breaths. I looked to the floor.
"I mean we can still hang out once ina while right? I mean we can still see each other."
Many things went through my head at that time, but mainly that felt like a sympathy statement. She felt bad that I was going to lose it. I gathered up all my will power and looked her in the eyes.
"Yeah, we could." I said with a pause. "But, i won't count on it."
She seemed a bit annoyed by that statement but didn't respond. I smiled wearily as the tense silence crept back again.
Then she picked up one of the cats and started petting him. She puts the cat down and looks at me again.
"I am going to go, ok?"
"Alright" I said. "Let me know if you need anything else."
She nodded and she motioned as though she wanted a hug.
So I walked over and we held each other. It felt like a second but it was a good 30 seconds.
She kissed my cheek and whispered "I will never forget you....."
She pretty much ran out the door. I stood there, tears streaming down my cheek. I was in complete disbeleif. I knew it was coming, i planned on it, roleplayed with it... but when the time came. I just couldn't beleive it.
I turned around to see an empty hallway and a closed door. I ran for the door whipped it open and ran towards the stairs. I could see her walking to her truck, hand over her face.
Without thinking I said "I Love You..." Not really meant to be heard.
The truck drove away and I could do nothing to stop it.
I walked back to my apartment, closed the door and the silence was defening. A cold, empy silent apartment was my fate for the next long couple months.
I guess I was still in disbeleif as I just kind of walked around my apartment aimlessly. Remembering all the good times that we had. Three years flew by and as quickly as that 3 years went, it ended even quicker.
The phone rang and I really didn't want to answer it, but I did.
The phone was full of static and I could her muffles of someone moving or something.
"Jim *pause* It's me."
I could here cars wizzing by in the back ground. At first I thought she was in an accident or something bad happened. But after a few minutes of sniffles and sobs she finally was able to get out...
"I Love You Too."
As I was fumbling for ways to release my paina nd sadness, this was like turning on the faucet. No strike that, it was a water main break. She hung up the phone...
I sat on the kitchen floor and cried. I don't remember much else that day. It was one of the darkest days in my life. Life has forced me on a detour and I had no choice but to take it.
I was very resentful for a long time after the break up. I didn't always handle things the right way and I exploded a few times. I still harbor that resentment, though it doesn't really effect me much anymore.
But I hold onto that day. Very closesly and I will never ever forget it. I relive it, to remind me of what I went through and how it has made me the person I am today... better or worse.
If you forget about the sour, the sweet will be never be experienced they way it should.
My best friend and his wife drove a RIDER down to NC from NY to load me up and drive me back home. I remember when we packed everything up... I went back in for one last look.
I remember making love on the countertop... Cooking her my famous egg sandwich breakfast... Watching the cats play around the apartment, laughing at them... I walked onto the balcony... I remember standing there, just two days into our new apartment looking over at her as we held hands and telling her how much I loved her. I guess this is why it has been so painful for me. I never opened up to anyone before, except her.
The memories washed over me like little steely knives. My best friend came up, put his hand on my shoulder knowing that I was losing it and said "Your going Home Zippy."
I managed a smile inbetween my tears. I nodded my head. "I'll be down in a minute."
"Take your time man" He said as he closed the door.
I just stared at the empty room. Nothing really to think, nothign really to do. I felt like I had failed... a loser packing up and heading home with his tail between his legs.
This part of my life ended. A new one has begun.
I made one last round, to make sure I didn't leave anything. A song popped into my head and I thought about it as I finished my rounds.
I changed some words to reflect the way I want to hear it...
I remember you
Seems a lifetime ago
We were stars on Sunset Boulevard
What a movie we made
There were days in the sun
That have stayed forever young
Nights when passion was invincible
We tought love would never die
[Chorus]
There were moments in that lifetime
That my heart still replays
There were minutes, there were hours, there were days
There are moments I still love you that same way
When I remember you
I remember goodbye
I watched your truck out of sight
Love was over, time to close the book
Still I go back for one last look
I closed the door, made sure it was locked. paused for a moment to soak it in.
A new life awaited me just two flights down the stairs and there was no turning back. I looked down the open hallway and sighed.
"Good Bye" I said to myself as I walked away from the door.