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Oct 12, 2004
I know that God is looking down on me.
Wondering if I will ever become
the man I am supposed to be
Wasted years pass me by like I was standing still
This warmth of life that beckons
is still nothing more then a brisk chill.
I look around and all that I see
Is sadness, loneliness, death and
broken hearts that are staring back at me.
I think its time for me to die
Give my blessings to those who deserve
because my life has been one big lie.
I know God is looking down on me.
Wondering if I will ever become
the man I am supposed to be.
I stand still, as thoughts run through my head... remembering.
No, I think to myself.
I am sorry for the life I wasted.
Because I will never be
The man he see's in me.
Posted at 08:38 am by Buccaroo
Sep 3, 2004
The Absence of the Heart. (Short Story)
I helped carry the things down the stairs and load into her little pick up truck. I placed the Dresser Drawer in the bed and latched it up. I turned around to watch her walk up the stairs to our apartment. I guess I should say my apartment now.
It was a hot day midway through July. I walked the stairs picturing all the things that might happen in the course of the next few minutes. i slowly walked up to the door and opened it.
She was standing there in deep thought it seems, remembering if she forgot anything, if that makes any sense to you.
"Are you missing anything?" I asked her.
"I don't think so." She replied.
"It doesn't matter, i can always drop something off or inter-office something to you if need be." I said easing her mind a bit. Since we worked for the same company but different offices.
In a real awkward silence our eyes met. Both not knowing really what to say. I wanted to gush how much I love her and that my life would end without seeing her everyday. But I held it all back, swallowed it and let it burn deep in my gut.
"I guess this is it" she said breaking into the tense silence.
I nodded my head. I could feel myself starting to lose it. My eyes started to well up and I had to take a few deep breaths. I looked to the floor.
"I mean we can still hang out once ina while right? I mean we can still see each other."
Many things went through my head at that time, but mainly that felt like a sympathy statement. She felt bad that I was going to lose it. I gathered up all my will power and looked her in the eyes.
"Yeah, we could." I said with a pause. "But, i won't count on it."
She seemed a bit annoyed by that statement but didn't respond. I smiled wearily as the tense silence crept back again.
Then she picked up one of the cats and started petting him. She puts the cat down and looks at me again.
"I am going to go, ok?"
"Alright" I said. "Let me know if you need anything else."
She nodded and she motioned as though she wanted a hug.
So I walked over and we held each other. It felt like a second but it was a good 30 seconds.
She kissed my cheek and whispered "I will never forget you....."
She pretty much ran out the door. I stood there, tears streaming down my cheek. I was in complete disbeleif. I knew it was coming, i planned on it, roleplayed with it... but when the time came. I just couldn't beleive it.
I turned around to see an empty hallway and a closed door. I ran for the door whipped it open and ran towards the stairs. I could see her walking to her truck, hand over her face.
Without thinking I said "I Love You..." Not really meant to be heard.
The truck drove away and I could do nothing to stop it.
I walked back to my apartment, closed the door and the silence was defening. A cold, empy silent apartment was my fate for the next long couple months.
I guess I was still in disbeleif as I just kind of walked around my apartment aimlessly. Remembering all the good times that we had. Three years flew by and as quickly as that 3 years went, it ended even quicker.
The phone rang and I really didn't want to answer it, but I did.
The phone was full of static and I could her muffles of someone moving or something.
"Jim *pause* It's me."
I could here cars wizzing by in the back ground. At first I thought she was in an accident or something bad happened. But after a few minutes of sniffles and sobs she finally was able to get out...
"I Love You Too."
As I was fumbling for ways to release my paina nd sadness, this was like turning on the faucet. No strike that, it was a water main break. She hung up the phone...
I sat on the kitchen floor and cried. I don't remember much else that day. It was one of the darkest days in my life. Life has forced me on a detour and I had no choice but to take it.
I was very resentful for a long time after the break up. I didn't always handle things the right way and I exploded a few times. I still harbor that resentment, though it doesn't really effect me much anymore.
But I hold onto that day. Very closesly and I will never ever forget it. I relive it, to remind me of what I went through and how it has made me the person I am today... better or worse.
If you forget about the sour, the sweet will be never be experienced they way it should.
My best friend and his wife drove a RIDER down to NC from NY to load me up and drive me back home. I remember when we packed everything up... I went back in for one last look.
I remember making love on the countertop... Cooking her my famous egg sandwich breakfast... Watching the cats play around the apartment, laughing at them... I walked onto the balcony... I remember standing there, just two days into our new apartment looking over at her as we held hands and telling her how much I loved her. I guess this is why it has been so painful for me. I never opened up to anyone before, except her.
The memories washed over me like little steely knives. My best friend came up, put his hand on my shoulder knowing that I was losing it and said "Your going Home Zippy."
I managed a smile inbetween my tears. I nodded my head. "I'll be down in a minute."
"Take your time man" He said as he closed the door.
I just stared at the empty room. Nothing really to think, nothign really to do. I felt like I had failed... a loser packing up and heading home with his tail between his legs.
This part of my life ended. A new one has begun.
I made one last round, to make sure I didn't leave anything. A song popped into my head and I thought about it as I finished my rounds.
I changed some words to reflect the way I want to hear it...
I remember you
Seems a lifetime ago
We were stars on Sunset Boulevard
What a movie we made
There were days in the sun
That have stayed forever young
Nights when passion was invincible
We tought love would never die
[Chorus]
There were moments in that lifetime
That my heart still replays
There were minutes, there were hours, there were days
There are moments I still love you that same way
When I remember you
I remember goodbye
I watched your truck out of sight
Love was over, time to close the book
Still I go back for one last look
I closed the door, made sure it was locked. paused for a moment to soak it in.
A new life awaited me just two flights down the stairs and there was no turning back. I looked down the open hallway and sighed.
"Good Bye" I said to myself as I walked away from the door.
Posted at 02:10 pm by Buccaroo
Jul 30, 2004
Got Christina's STRIPPED CD... Yeah I know its GAY. But I like her voice and she is a hot little ho bag.
But I forgot how good "Fighter" is... so heres the lyrics.
When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm
After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Oh, ohh
Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh
After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Posted at 08:03 am by Buccaroo
Jun 14, 2004
Yeah its a far way off, but for the first time in like 2 years I heard this song. It hits me like a ton of bricks... there is no song that will destroy me quicker then this one. I got through the first chorus on the Yahoo Launch Radio... and I shut it off, I couldn't take it.
See that was going to be our wedding song. Even though I never proposed exactly, I had a ring on "layaway" at Reeds jewelry... me and melissa used to talk about the wedding etc. Valentines would be the theme with "our song" being well... Valentine by Jim Brickman and Tina McBride. So here are the lyrics...
"VALENTINE"
If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I’d still feel for you
And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
You’re all I need, my love
My Valentine
All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You’ve opened my eyes
And shown me how to love
Unselfishly
I’ve dreamed of this a thousand times before
But in my dreams
I couldn’t love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time
You’re all I need, my love
My Valentine
And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
’Cause all I need is you
My Valentine
You’re all I need, my love
My Valentine
------------------------
What a friggen sham. Love... its a lie.
Posted at 10:51 am by Buccaroo
May 24, 2004
The Voice I miss
Is the one that no one hears.
Loneliness has no face
for there is no one to see it.
A life filled with joy
comes to an end with silence.
No one to mourn the past
Very few to remember the tears.
The mask of emptiness
is worn by all at some point.
For the unfortunate
it is worn for a lifetime.
Every tear that falls
is unheard, unfelt and unseen.
For the life of the lonely
there are no open arms.
The Voice I miss
Is the one that no one hears.
A voice that can't speak
A life that simply fades away.
Posted at 10:38 am by Buccaroo
Apr 21, 2004
The Things I don't deserve.
Everyday that goes by
Every smile that fades
is just another something
that I don't deserve.
The love of my family
the love of my friends
is a priceless thing
that I don't deserve.
I have realized my blessings
and cherish them everyday
but I just don't beleive
it is something I deserve.
I will harbor these things
close to me and my heart
and I thank God...
For the things I don't deserve.
Posted at 07:25 am by Buccaroo
Apr 10, 2004
When its quarter to four in the morning, you always seem to think of the weirdest things. I hate not being able to sleep. When things weigh heavy on your mind, you tend to lose your rythm. My Rythm is shot. Its march 2, 2004 and I am publishing this in late February. Its not very good... but I would like to keep it none the less.
Quiet is the word of the lonely
when all is calm, all is usually empty.
There is no pun nor any adjective
to describe the emptiness that lives here.
The soft padding of the cats
is such a soft and quiet sound.
But seems like a stampede
in a house of wasted years.
Over the many years of pain
I have accepted this darkness.
It was a choice with only one outcome.
The acceptance or the fall to the depth.
The sadness and quiet you may think
is that of complete depression and loneliness.
But it saves you from the blinding pain
of the love that was lost to you.
They say that love is blind
and that could be so well and true.
But pain has no vision either
for its turmoils hit hard too.
I have given up on love
it does not exist for me, never has.
I am just Love's Little Lie
Toying with my heart....
Posted at 09:15 am by Buccaroo
Mar 28, 2004
The more the day progresses
even more so the month
I realize my vision was of truth
The world around me flourishes
with spring, with life, with love
but I appear to be stuck in the winter
quiet, drab and very cold.
My guess becomes a truth it seems
that my worth is not enough
my existance shrouded, hidden
I try and pull myself away
but the snow is just too deep.
Counterfeit people will survive
they will even flourish
It is what the world is based on
no truth, no honesty, no real love
because the candy words of
evil forged people will win out.
As I stand, snow afoot
peering out to the wonderland
of futility and foolishness
is it worth degrading myself
to thrive in a world of no ones?
I beleive no one truly cares.
Once again, I drag myself
across the finish line in last.
While the soul less people
raise the trophies high in spite.
The few things I have ever cherished
were never meant to be.
It is what truth gets you...
forgotten and ignored again.
Honesty and truth is my flag
I will raise it and wave it.
Though my last place finish
hurts like a thorn in my foot
I know I was real...
no one can accuse me of falsities
because for the runner who finishes last
someone else will see a heart that
is completely unmatchable.
Posted at 09:45 am by Buccaroo
Mar 25, 2004
If you listen intently
and do not make a sound.
In fact, hold your breath
this sound can barely be heard
almost as silent as Death.
It appears to be muffled
hidden in a dark corner
frightened to be found
hushing itself and it
dares not make a sound.
I have heard this noise
inside of me before
like a shadow that is waking
it is just the sound
of my heart breaking.
Fimiliar.
Taunting.
Unescapable.
Posted at 09:47 am by Buccaroo
Mar 23, 2004
I don't like the pressure of beingexact with Poetry, so sometimes I just kinda blend my thought process and mood and poetry all in one and hopefully come up with somethign worth while.
I have been hidden in the darkness
away for no one to see.
I beleive it was a mistake,
but not that I have made.
In hopes of intamacey and grandeur
immediately results in nothing short
but the lasting effects seemed,
it was felt by only one.
No wool was put over my eyes
I knew the wolf, I knew the sheep
but the smallest chance of hope
still lingered in my mind.
That linger has fogged this thought
and left me with wonder
I trail my actions, and my words
in hopes to find something ablaze
but to no avail....
The old saying, that good men
they finish last, is so true
while wicked men flourish
and they become worshipped
the simple caring man waits alone
with no one to hear his ache.
It is the way of the world
I tell myself in disgust
as it echos off the empty room.
I look within for the stregnth
to understand and forget.
IT can be hard, even agonizing
but I have traveled that road before.
The problem that lies, abit ahead
is a problem quite indeed
Do you take it head on
and feel the brunt of the ineviatable bite?
or do you take aground
and avoid until it vanishes?
You may think that this foe
this obstacle is that of evil ways
but the predator in my thoughts
is but a sweet and amazing cat.
Eyes that ring perfection
smiles that soften any edge.
So difficult to even know
impossible to forget.
I do not wish to vanquish this
for I, myself am the true predator.
For the Cat was merely wanting to play
while surprisingly I wanted more.
My one hope is that this trial
was not in great regret.
The journey was of cheer and laughter
But the destination seems empty.
As a man in a race
I was merely trying to help and to care
but I realized, I am just to slow.
Yet another...
Last place finish.
Posted at 09:44 am by Buccaroo
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